Addition to the family

Rescued a chihuahua. Now I have 3 chis! Lol. Her name is coco and she’s a year and 10 months. She’s scared of her own shadow but she’s getting a bit better. She is the most loving little girl. You can tell she hadn’t been loved much. She used to sleep in a pen with two other dogs. The first night with me she didn’t know what to do when I put her in my bed she was pacing back-and-forth that was a few weeks ago and now she snuggles right in against my head when we go to bed now. love her to bits.

Well hope to update soon.



A year later …

Mom left me a year ago sat. I had to work that day so at least I was kept busy. It doesn’t seem like a year already. Still can’t believe I’ll never hear her voice again.

Anyway. Mom I miss you and love you so very much. Say hi to dad for me. Xo. See you again one day.

Still here ….for now

Had many firsts this past 11 months without my mom so this winter has been particularly harder than the rest. When you suffer from depression, winters are the hardest to get through. Every fall I start to get panicky and think ‘will I make it this time?’ Or will I leave my son motherless ? Highs and lows with 70% lows I feel beaten down. I go through my days almost in robot mode. I try to get through one hour at a time.

Off to work. Hope to be back soon.

#depression #anxiety #drowning

First bday with mom too 

Yup. Today I turned 50. My son took me to breakfast.  That was the highlight of my day.  

50th was even more boring than my 40th.  I didn’t think that was possible. 

I know it sounds petty or stupid but I have always been jealous of those women who have husbands /boyfriends that throw them surprise parties.  Make them feel that they are worth it. You know? 

I have never had anyone ever make a fuss over me. Ever. Not my ex husband or any bf. I always make a fuss over theirs though. Funny how that works. I think that I’ll stop and then they will see how it feels to feel forgotten.  

It’s my 50th FFS.   And I’m in bed at 9:30. 

So done. 

Cold rainy day 

Always affects my depression.  As soon as I open my eyes , I think shit here we go again. Will I make it today?   My mom was always trying to cheer me up, she would say let’s go for a drive on the country backroads or let’s go grab an ice cap.  

It’s a weird feeling knowing that except for my son i have no family left.   Such a lonely feeling. He will get married and be busy with his family then what? 


It’s been a while 

Hi mom, it’s me Louise. It’s been 2.5 months now and I still cry everyday. I just wish I could talk to you one more time. Hold your hand one more time. It’s so hard without you. 

Some mornings,  I open my eyes and I just don’t want to go on.  

I’m having trouble remembering simple things here and there and it’s scaring me mom I wonder is this how you felt ?  I’ll never know because you didn’t confide in me. I can see why. I am not telling anyone either. If I end up with LBD like you did, I’ll definitely end my life.  I don’t want to put my family through that.  

I need you mom. You weren’t supposed to leave yet. 

Never forget yesterday 

But always live for today

You never know what tomorrow brings

Or what it can take away 

 Mom went home -03-10-2017 –
Miss you more than words can say.