Cold rainy day 

Always affects my depression.  As soon as I open my eyes , I think shit here we go again. Will I make it today?   My mom was always trying to cheer me up, she would say let’s go for a drive on the country backroads or let’s go grab an ice cap.  

It’s a weird feeling knowing that except for my son i have no family left.   Such a lonely feeling. He will get married and be busy with his family then what? 

Lou

It’s been a while 

Hi mom, it’s me Louise. It’s been 2.5 months now and I still cry everyday. I just wish I could talk to you one more time. Hold your hand one more time. It’s so hard without you. 

Some mornings,  I open my eyes and I just don’t want to go on.  

I’m having trouble remembering simple things here and there and it’s scaring me mom I wonder is this how you felt ?  I’ll never know because you didn’t confide in me. I can see why. I am not telling anyone either. If I end up with LBD like you did, I’ll definitely end my life.  I don’t want to put my family through that.  

I need you mom. You weren’t supposed to leave yet. 

Never forget yesterday 

But always live for today

You never know what tomorrow brings

Or what it can take away 

 Mom went home -03-10-2017 –
Miss you more than words can say. 

First of many 

First easter without mom.  First of many firsts without her. I always bought her lilies on easter.  Was strange not doing it this year.  Passed by them numerous times in stores and markets and felt like I was forgetting something.  Because she was cremated we didn’t get a plot or I would go plant lillies there.  I’m going to get a memorial tree planted at island lake this summer.  I will put some of her ashes around the base and cover them with soil.  I’ll have someplace to go and talk to her. 

Miss her so. 

Happy Easter mom.  Kiss dad for me.  

Weezy 

My week 

Hasn’t been so great.  What else is new. 

Spent four days in emergency. Did every blood test and every ultrasound and every MRI and every CAT scan known to man. Still no further ahead than I was when I went in. Although the pain is a little bit better today thank God.

My new job is coming along well I’m really liking working for these doctors so far so good fingers crossed. However, we lost a patient this week. I had met him only about four or five times. Because I work for a methadone clinic I see these patients every day, Because they have to come in and do urine tests twice a week and they come in for methadone every day.  Anyways the patient we lost this week, Tuesday to be exact. Well he was only a kid, 22 years old. He just turned 22. That is one year older than my son. He overdosed on Tuesday from taking A drug called Fentanyl. I didn’t know him all that well but from what I did know from meeting him just those 4-5 times, he was a good kid trying to get his life back on track, he leaves behind a 15-month-old son. This drug is stealing our youth one by one. It makes me sick, it makes me so bloody mad I I feel like I could kill the person that is dealing our youth with these drugs.  

He was just a kid himself ffs. I’m so fucking mad. I can’t even begin to believe or imagine how much pain his parents are in. We are not supposed to outlive our children. 

For those that pray,  please say a prayer for his parents and family tonight, thank you.  

Hope you all are doing well. I have a lot of reading to do to catch up. 

Lou 

Never forget yesterday 

But always live for today

You never know what tomorrow brings

Or what it can take away 

 Mom went home -03-10-2017 –

Miss you more than words can say. 

Moms obit

Missing her

People are getting tired of me saying I miss my mom so I don’t say it around people anymore.  

I avoid places where I might bump into someone that knew her then I’ll have to explain what happened and then break down again in public. I cry when I’m alone so I dont make anyone uncomfortable.  

I avoid places she went because I’m not strong enough yet.   

I was hoping for a sign from her that she was still with me. Sounds silly I know. I’m grasping at straws here.  I caress her box of ashes everyday and tell her I love her and I miss her. 

I MISS HER SO MUCH. 

The way she said “oh ya” when I asked if she liked the food I made. The way she would come dancing out of her room when I played blurred lines. (Yes a 79 year old woman LOVED that song) 

Most days I really don’t want to be here anymore. 🦋

So today

I won’t have time to think about how messed up things are. Have so much to do. 

I need to get a criminal back ground check as requested from my new employer. Yes, I got the job 🙂

The sun is shining, so I’m hopeful today.  

Found this charm I bought my mom a few years back. Inside there’s a dragonfly because I love dragonflies, a butterfly because my mom loved butterflies. Also inside there is her birth stone and my birthstone.  I’m keeping this close to my heart.

I can’t believe how much I miss you mom, love you.

Have a great day everyone. 

Lou